Voila! Finally, the The Santa Clause script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Tim Allen movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of The Santa Clause. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I”ll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free todrop me a line. You won”t hurt my feelings. Honest.
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The Santa Clause Script
Ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas! Hey, guys! – Ho! Merry Christmas. – Thanks. – Hey! Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention? This has been our best year ever thanks to Do-lt-All-For-You-Dolly. A-And I think we should give a special thanks to the people… responsible for our record-breaking sales, our Midwest marketing and distribution team, – Scott Calvin and Susan Perry! – Yeah! Let”s hear it for “em! Come on! Susan, darling, come on up here. Aren”t they adorable? Say a few words. Thank you very much. This was really a team effort, and I would just want to thank every one of you individually– But we don”t have time for that, do we? In all seriousness, um, here at B&R Toys, we”re not just about makin” a profit in quality toys. We”re also about families. But our families aren”t here with us right now. Which is probably why Johnson”s secretary is sittin” in his lap. You guys have a great party, have a great year. Drive safe. Thanks very much. Aren”t they wonderful? Laura, I was hopin” to catch you before you”d left your house. I ran real late today. You wouldn”t believe the traffic out here. Yeah, same to you! And that”s not very ladylike! Anyway, I”ll try to get to my house as soon as I can. Oh, there”s the problem right there. Three car pile-up. I”m really gonna be late. Hark, carol bells, sweet silver bells All seem to sing throw cares away Christmas is here bringing good cheer To young and old, meek and the bold Ding dong and dong, balance in song Ring joyful ring, all caroling One seems to hear words of good cheer from everywhere filling the air Oh, how they pound, raising the sound go hand in hand calling in the town Gaily they ring while people sing songs of good cheer, Christmas is here Merry, merry, merry merry Christmas Merry, merry, merry merry Christmas On we will sing, dawn with a hymn Angel will come to every home Hark, carol bells, sweet silver bells All seem to sing throw cares away Hark, carol bells, sweet silver bells one seems to hear words of good cheer From everywhere, filling the air Oh, how they pound, raising the sound Go hand in hand Calling in the town Gaily they ring while people sing songs of good cheer, Christmas is here Merry, merry, merry merry Christmas Merry, merry, merry merry Christmas On we will sing, dawn with a hymn Angel will come to every home On we will sing, dawn with a hymn Angel will come to every home Ding dong ding Dong All right. Let”s go. – Bye, Charlie. – Bye, Neal. – Oh, sorry I”m late. Hi. – Hi. – Did you want to come in for a minute? – Neal”s waiting in the car, so– – Why doesn”t he come in? – “Cause, Daddy, he says you”ll just end up saying something snotty. Not necessarily. Could be rude or sarcastic. Whatever it takes. – See? I gotta go. Here. – Oh, come on. Come on. Christmas Eve. Just for a minute. Watch those steps. They”re real slippery. – Ooh! – Told ya. – So– – Well– – You goin” to your mom”s for dinner? – Actually, we”re gonna be with Neal”s family. Ah, Christmas at the pound. There aren”t that many presents over there. Well, that”s because Santa isn”t here yet. Neal doesn”t believe in Santa. Well, Neal”s head comes to a point. -He”s smart. He”s a doctor. -He”s not a doctor. He”s a psychiatrist. Take your coat off. You”re stickin” around, aren”t ya? I”ll be right there. Just a sec. – I just want to– – Did that jerk tell Charlie there was no Santa Claus? What? No. Oh, Charlie came home from school the other day in tears, because some big kid told him there was no such thing as Santa. And, you know Neal. Well, he sat him down and– He told him that there was a Santa Claus. Well, all he said was that Santa was more like a feeling. You know, more like a state of mind than a person. Kind of like Neal. And who gave you permission to tell Charlie there”s no Santa Claus? I think if we”re gonna destroy our son”s illusions, I should be a part of it. – Yeah, but you”re never around, are you, Scott? – Oh, oh, please. Listen, all we are trying to do is give Charlie a firm grasp on reality. That”s a good idea. You don”t want kids runnin” around usin” their imaginations. Oh, yeah. This from the guy responsible for the Do-lt-All-For-You-Dolly. – Leave her out of this. – Don”t you burp me, don”t you change me – I”m the dolly– – Why do you guys always have to fight? I, uh, swear we”re not fighting. It”s your mom”s singing. It sounds a lot like fighting, doesn”t it? Cats even. The trouble is, Neal and your mom, they don”t believe in Santa because they were real naughty. Which is why they”ll probably get lumps of coal in their stockings. I don”t know. It seems kind of babyish to believe in that kind of stuff. What are you talkin” about? I believe in Santa Claus. I”m not a baby. – Well– – Maybe it”s time you left. We don”t want to keep Dr Pinhead waiting. Come here. Do I gotta stay? Listen, you and your daddy are gonna have a great Christmas, okay? – Will you pick me up tomorrow? – Of course. – Early? – Yes. We”re talking sunup? You”re here? You”ll be fine. Ah, merry Christmas, Charlie. I love you. I love you too, Mom. – You be a good boy, okay? – Bye, Mom. Four hours? I”m dreamin” of a white Christmas – Your Christmas will be perfect– – Just like the ones I used to know …with its own built-in turkey timer. Where those treetops glisten -And now, we return to the most cherished of Christmas stories, -And children listen – Miracle On th Street, starring Natalie Wood and– – To hear sleigh bells in the snow– That is exactly why you want a high-quality fire extinguisher right in the kitchen. Those flames were really big, Dad. – Yeah, turkey”s funny that way. – Dad! “Ey! It”s done. You like osso buco, Charlie? They”re closed. You know, Neal”s a real good cook. Yeah, and you should see him walk on water. – You don”t like him very much, do ya, Dad? – Charlie, yeah– I was joking, okay? I”m sorry. I was just kiddin” around. I like him a lo– Yeah, sure, I like him. You know, there– There”s just something about him that makes me wanna– Lash out irrationally? – Where did you hear that? – From Neal. I learn a lot from him. He listens to me. Yeah. Then he charges ya for it. I”m dreaming – Of a white Christmas – All right. Denny”s. – Just like the ones I used to know – It”s always open. – I don”t wanna eat here. – What are you talkin” about? Everybody likes Denny”s. – Where those treetops – It”s an American institution. – Glisten – Are you with Hatsutashi? – No! – Dad burnt the turkey. – Oh, yeah. This way. Come on. – Right over there. – Thank you. – Here we go. – Burn the turkey? – Coffee? – No, thank you, Judy. What do you say we start out with cold glasses… of delicious seasonal favourite eggnog? – I don”t like eggnog. – We”re out. – Coffee. Decaf. – Mm-hmm. – I”ll have chocolate milk, please. – We”re out. – Plain milk”s fine. – Okay. – At least we know they got hot apple pie. – We did. Mm-hmm! This is nice. “And Mama in her kerchief and I in my cap… – I”m dreaming – “had just settled down for a long winter”s nap. – Of a white – “When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter, – Christmas – “l sprang from my bed to see what was the matter. “Away to the window I flew like a flash. “With a miniature sleigh and St. Nich– and Prancer and Dancer– …and to all a good night.” – What”s that? – What”s what? “A Rose Suchak ladder”? It”s not a ladder. I said, “arose such a clatter.” It means, eh, “came a big noise.” What? Charlie, “arose” is a word that means “it came,” and “clatter” is a big noise. Now, please, go to sleep. Shut your eyes. How do reindeer fly? They don”t have any wings. – Fairy dust? – That”s from Peter Pan, Dad. – Horns. – Antlers. Whatever. Their, uh, antlers give them– You know, ther– ther– there”s a slipstream effect– The air go– T-They move fa– They”re weightless. – But if Santa”s so fat, how did he get down the chimneys? – He sucks it in like Grandpa. But what about people who don”t have fireplaces? How does he get into their house? Charlie, sometimes believing in something means you– means you just believe in it. Santa uses reindeer to fly because that”s how he has to get around. But you do believe in Santa, right, Dad? Of course I believe in Santa. Now, please, go to sleep. – Dad? – What is it, Charlie? Maybe you better leave some cookies and milk out, just in case, okay? Great. I”ll just go preheat the oven. And don”t forget the fire extinguisher. Good night, Charlie. Ho! Now, settle down there. Dad! Dad! – W-What? – I heard a clatter. – What, Charlie? – There! A clatter! – Charlie, what are you talkin” about? – You know, “it came a big noise.” It”s coming from outside. Charlie, it”s just the wind or somethin”. Come on. Let”s go back to bed. – Somebody”s on the roof. – Maybe it”s Santa. Not now, Charlie. I want you to sit here, and I want you to stay right there. – Charlie, do you know how to call ? – Sure. . Yeah. Great. Stay there. – Hey, you! – What”s that– Whoa! Whoa! Wh-Whoa! Whoo-hoo! Hey, buddy. All right, you should just stay still. Perfect. – You got him! – Charlie, stay where you are. Charlie, would you listen to me? Stay up there! It is Santa! You killed him. Did not. And he”s not Santa. Well, he was. He”s got some l.D. on him, I bet. Fella, if you can hear me, I”m just lookin” for your identification. Once I figure out who ya are, I”ll– I”ll give you a lift back to the mall. “lf something should happen to me, put on my suit. The reindeer will know what to do.” Yeah, right. Whoa. – Dad! – Hey. He disappeared. – Whoa! – He”s naked somewhere. – You gonna put on the suit like the card said? Are you? – No. No. – Come on, Dad. I wanna go too. – Stop it, Charlie. We”re not goin” anywhere. – You never do what I wanna do! – Would you please be quiet for a minute so I can figure this out? Reindeer up on the roof. Santa suit layin” on the ground. Guy fell. Not my fault. Reindeer on the roof. That is hard to explain. It”s the ladder. Where the hell”d this come from? Look here, Dad. “The Rose Suchak Ladder Company.” – Huh? – “Out by the roof there”s a Rose Suchak ladder.” – Just like the poem. – Just like the poem? Charlie, come on down from there. Charlie, get down from there! Dad! You gotta see this! – Don”t touch anything! – It”s great! I”m just gonna call the police. I”ll carry this stuff up there. Let them deal with it, okay? Whoa! This guy was huge. Dad, isn”t this neat? Charlie. Charlie! Stay away from those things. They”re reindeer. You don”t know where they”ve been. They all look like they”ve got key lime disease. Easy, Rudolph. Excuse me, Comet. Dad! Check out Santa”s sleigh. There”s no such thing as Santa”s sleigh. – Sure there is. You said you believed in Santa, right? – I did? I do. What about the reindeer? These are Santa”s reindeer, aren”t they? I hope not. These are, uh, a gift. Probably from the cable company. We”re getting the Disney Channel now. Merry Christmas. – Now, hop out of there, please. – I don”t wanna go. Listen, Charlie. I”m not kidding. Let”s go! – Whoa! Whoa! – Yeah! Let”s go! Whoa! Charlie! Hold on, Charlie! Whoa! Giddyap, Comet! Whoa, let”s go! Dad! Climb up here! There we go! So, uh, if we go straight on this road, and we hit l- — Well, we made good time. Now what do we do? – Get the bag of toys. – And do what? – Go down the chimney. – Down the chimney? You want me to take the toys down the chimney… into a strange house in my underwear? No. You gotta put the suit on first. You know what we”re gonna do is we”re gonna get outta here, because this whole thing is stupid. How come everything I wanna do is stupid? I didn”t say that. Freezing my nubs off out here, and you want me to get into a Santa costume. This is great. A Santa costume. Oh, this thing. You never know where it”s been. A thousand malls. Well, I hope you”re happy, Comet. Hope you”re happy. But most of all, I hope the guy that lives here is a tailor! Nice coat. Well, how do I look? Nice? – You forgot the sash. – You”re right. This completes the ensemble. All right. Got my boots. Now I”ve got the suit on. How am I supposed to know what to leave? – Maybe there”s a list. – A list. How silly of me. Of course there”s a list. Careful, Dad! – I”m okay. I”m okay. I”m okay! – Look! You”re flying! It”s okay. I”m used to it. I lived through the ” s. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Nice teeth. Who”s down there? It”s the holidays. Come on. Come on. Charlie, I need a little help down here! Whoa! How”d you do that? What”d it feel like, Dad? It felt like America”s Most Wanted. Now, pull me in, quick. We gotta get outta here. Thanks. We gotta go home. How do you start this thing? Just like that! Whoa! This could be a really long night. Do it again, Dad. Please. I can”t. That thing”s empty. There”s nothin” in the bag. Even if there was, d-didn”t you notice there”s no chimney? Where there”s no chimney, there”s no fireplace. Are you growling at me? Look, Comet, like I said, there is nothing left– That”s so weird, “cause I know when I did– that– No, no, no, no, no! Hold it! There”s no chimney here. Can you hear me? No chimney, all right? Lookin” good, Dad. You have got to be kidding! Come on! Look at the size of this thing. Weird! Ow! Ouch! Oh! – Santa? – Scott Calvin. How come your clothes are so baggy? Because Santa is watchin” his saturated fats. – How come you don”t have a beard? – Because I shaved! Do you want this doll or not? Go back to sleep. You”re supposed to drink the milk. Look, I am lactose intolerant. And I am just about this close to taking all those presents back up the chimney with me. “Supposed to drink the milk.” Shut your eyes. Yo! How do you get in without a fireplace? I don”t know. One just kind of appeared. Awesome! Oh, boy! Charlie, look at the clouds over here. Aren”t they pret– Charlie! All right. Mornin”, fellas. Mornin”, sport. We”re done, Comet. Ho-ho-ho. Back to the house. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night. When I wake up, I”m gettin” a CAT scan! – Is this okay, Dad? – No, it”s not okay! Hey, does this look like home to you guys? No, no, no, no, no! Hey, hey, hey! Where you goin”? Come back here! Aww! In the silence of the night – When the snow – Hey, hey! – Lies soft and still – Hey, buddy! – You, sir! Hey! – You can see a magic light And hear the ring of Christmas bells – Can you hear me? – Though the night seems long and dark – It is the earth – What”s that? – Just gone to sleep – I don”t know. – I think it”s the North Pole. – The stars that dot – That”s the North Pole? – The sky above – Hey, buddy, we need some help. – Hold you in – Hello! – Their precious keep – What are you doing? – So close your eyes and come with me The Christmas bells will bring you home Hey, look! Here comes the new Santa! And now with song we fill the night While magic dances in the light To wish you now and all the year The joy that comes with Christmas cheer – Sit back. – Hear our voices fill the air To drive the winter”s cold away And so our hearts with all will share The love that comes with Christmas day The love that comes with Christmas day The Christmas bells will bring you home – Where are all the grown-ups? – This is so cool. Stay here. Hey, kid, kid. Kid, who”s in charge here? You are. And I”m not a kid. I”ve pointy shoes that are older than you. I”m an elf. Uh, you guys, or you girls– Who gives the orders? Who”s your boss? – You are. – No, no, no. Uh– – W-Who”s the head elf? – You are. Hey! Who”s causin” all the trouble around here? – He is. – She is. Excuse me. Are we on a coffee break? -We don”t drink coffee. -Then I guess the break is over! Back to work. Thanks. Take it easy on her, will ya? Who are you? I”m Bernard. Nice to meet ya, Santa. I”m not Santa! I”ve had a rough night. There”s been dogs barkin”, guns goin” off. Look, my back”s killin” me. Have you ever tried to shove a sea kayak down a chimney? – I”m tired of this small talk. – Hmm? The other Santa disappeared, right? Wait a minute. Hey, I know where this is goin”. It wasn”t my fault. The other guy fell. It was an accident. I”ve got homeowner”s insurance and a good attorney. Not as good as my wife”s, but let”s not open up that wound. Hold it a minute. Wh-Whoa, whoa, whoa. How did you know the other guy was gone? – Can I get you a drink? – No, I don”t want a drink. I”m thirsty and hungry too. Charlie, I thought I told you to stay in the sleigh. -Who”s this? -This– This is my son, Charlie. I”m sorry. Charlie, this is Buh, Beh, Beh– – Bernard. – Bernard. – Hi, Bernard. – Hiya, sport. – Hey, Dad, he called me “sport” just like you. – Wonderful. Hey, you know what. I got somethin” for you. Okay, now hold out your hand, all right? Now, be very careful. This is very old, just like me. Shake it up, Charlie. Wow. Why don”t you, uh, hold onto it for me for a while. – It might come in handy. – Thanks. Thanks a lot. I promise I”ll take real good care of it. – Make sure you do. – I will. Hey, Dad, look! Huh. Fabulous ball. – Hey, Barabbas. – Bernard! Bernard. Can we take a direct flight back to reality, or do we have to change planes in Denver? Uh, Larry, take Charlie here and get him some chow. – No, Larry, don”t do that. Charlie! – He”ll be okay. Follow me. You”ll want to get out of those clothes. I– Uh– No, look, Barnaby, I just wanna go home. Look, I am not Santa Claus! Ahh! Did you or did you not read the card? – Yeah, I read the card. – Then you”re the new Santa. In putting on the hat and jacket you accepted the contract. – What contract? – The card in the Santa suit. You said you read it, right? So when you put on the suit, you fell subject to the Santa Clause. – Here. – The Santa Claus? Oh, you mean the guy that fell off my roof? No, no, no, not Santa Claus, the person. Santa Clause, the clause. What? – Look, you”re– you”re a businessman, right? – Yeah. Okay. A clause, as in the last line of a contract. – You got the card? – Oh! Okay, look. The Santa Clause: “ln putting on this suit and entering the sleigh… “the wearer waives any and all rights to any previous identity, real or implied, “and fully accepts the duties and responsibilities of Santa Claus… “in perpetuity until such time that wearer becomes unable to do so… by either accident or design.” – What does that mean? – It means you put on the suit, you”re the big guy. – That”s ridiculous. I didn”t put on the suit just to– – Try to understand this! Oo-oo-ooh! Let me explain something to you, okay? Toys have to be delivered. I”m not gonna do it. It”s not my job. I”m just an elf. It”s Santa”s job, but Santa fell off a roof, your roof. You read the card, you put on the suit. That clearly falls under the Santa Clause. – So now you”re Santa, okay? – A question. – What? – When can I get outta here? – Dad, you gotta see this place. – You leave tomorrow morning. You have months to get your affairs in order, and you”re due back here Thanksgiving. – I”m not comin” back here on Thanksgiving. – I”ll ship the list to your house. – What list? – Come on, now. The list. – He”s makin” a list – Checkin” it twice Gonna find out who”s naughty or nice Look, you put a “P” next to the kids who are nice and a “C” next to the naughty ones. – “P” and “C”? – Yeah. “P” for present, “C” for coal, right, Bernard? – Right. – Wait a minute. How do I know who”s good and bad? – You”ll know. – What if I don”t want to do this? -Don”t even kid about a thing like that. -Why not? What if I don”t buy into this Santa Clause thing? What if I choose not to believe it? Then there would be millions of disappointed children around the world. You see, children hold the spirit of Christmas within their hearts. You wouldn”t want to be responsible for killing the spirit of Christmas, now, would you, Santa? Judy will take you to your room. Get out of the suit. It needs to be cleaned. – And taken in. – Then get some sleep. We”ve got a lot of work to do and only a year in which to do it. – Judy. – Santa. – Scott Calvin. – Follow me. – I”ll just take the next train. – Dad, come on! Charlie! – Come on, Dad! – Charlie, wait up! – That”s funny. I like that. – I like that too. But I don”t like– Wow! Can I get you anything? The kitchen”s always open. How about a stiff drink? You should get some sleep. Here are your pyjamas. I”ll be right back. Oh, oh, look, Judy. Look. Look over there. There”s a– Look. Look over there. I know. Look. Look over there. There”s a canoe. Aha, it”s true. Oh, look, there”s an emu. – Look at him. – Shoo. – Santa? – Scott Calvin. – I brought you some cocoa. – No, thanks. My own recipe. Took me years to get it right. – years? – That”s right. You know, I must say, you look pretty good for your age. Thanks, but I”m seeing someone in wrapping. This is good. This is really good. Not too hot, extra chocolate, shaken, not stirred. You look distressed. Distressed? I”m way past distressed. – Why”s that? – I”m talking to an elf. And I stopped believing in Santa Claus a long time ago. That”s not surprising. Most grown-ups can”t believe in magic. It just… sort of grows out of them. Look, you”re a nice little elf. – Thanks. – But this is a dream. I mean, this is fabulous. Is that a polar bear directin” traffic down there? I– I see it, but I don”t believe it. – You”re missing the point. – What is the point? Seeing isn”t believing: believing is seeing. Kids don”t have to see this place to know that it”s here. They just… know. Well, you should get some rest. Good night, sir. Dad! Dad! Wake up, sleepy! Come on, get up! Dad! Dad! Dad! Come on, Dad! Come on! You should see all the neat toys. – Stop shakin” me, Charlie. – Come on. Get up. Get up! – Okay! – Come on. It”s Christmas morning. – Great! G-Go and make some coffee. – Come on, Dad. Let”s go! Okay. Okay. – Are you okay, Dad? – Yeah. Just fine. Just fine. Are you having a heart attack? I know CPR. No, I was just– – S.C.? – Yeah, Santa Claus. Hey. Same initials as your name, Dad. Scott Calvin. What? Oh, Charlie! Oh, merry Christmas, honey! – Did you have a good time? – Great time! The best! Great– Oh, ho, Scott. Nice P.J.s. Very festive. – Where”d you get them? – I don”t know. – Judy gave them to you. – Judy. Really. – Who? – Up in the North Pole. Ah, one of Santa”s little helpers. Last night, Dad and me went with the flying reindeer. It was really neat, Mom. Dad was Santa, and Larry showed me the workshop. -You know, where they make all the toys? -Gee, thanks for… – keeping his feet on the ground. – You bet. Honey, you go wait in the car for a minute, okay? I”ll be right there. – Merry Christmas. – Bye, Dad. Thanks for a great night at the North Pole. So, uh, what have you been telling him? Nothing. It”s just… I had this really strange dream. And l– I must have told him all about it. Wait! – Charlie. – Scott. – Hi, Dad. – Nice jammies. – Thanks. About what you said in the house. – Who showed you the workshop? – The elf. – How”d I get the pyjamas? – I told you. Judy. Oh, wait. Wait. Judy was the name of the waitress at the restaurant last night. – Some waitress gave you pyjamas? – What”s this all about? Dad took me to the North Pole, and Larry showed me the workshop. – The North Pole. – Yeah. Dad”s the new Santa. The regular Santa fell off the roof, and Dad put on the suit. Charlie, we”ll discuss this at home. The clause. The Santa Clause. It”s just a dream. Stuff like that doesn”t happen. It was a dream. Come on! I don”t even wear pyjamas! Normally I sleep naked. Buck naked. Ha! Morning, Mrs McGloin. Mary Catherine. Eyes front, Mary Catherine. Sometimes boxer shorts. You know. So, remember, kids, there is nothing more painful than third degree burns. Well, thank you, Fireman O”Hara. And I think the whole class will join me in saying… sorry about your partner. Well, perhaps this is a good time to bring up the psychiatrist. Charlie, would you like to introduce your, um– Dr Miller? Can I ask Dad to go first? Well, if that”s how you feel, Charlie. That”s how he feels, Neal. Come on. Nice sweater, buddy. This is my dad, Scott Calvin. He”s got a really neat job. – Thank you, Charlie. – My dad is Santa Claus. Oh, boy! I think what he means is, I”m like Santa Claus. We”re both giving. We”re both jolly. And we both work very hard one day a year. – Oh, boy. – That”s not what I mean, Dad. Look, on Christmas Eve, my dad pushed Santa off the roof. – No, Charlie– Ch– Charlie. – Santa disappeared and my dad took his place. – Charlie! – Then I went with him to deliver all the presents. Then the reindeer flew us to the North Pole where the head elf, – Charlie. – Bernard, gave me this. Look, I work for a toy company. I deliver toys all over the country. So, in a way, I”m like Santa Claus. – Yes, sweetheart? – Do you make the toys? No, stupid, the elves do! Bobby, we don”t say “stupid,” and we don”t say “elves.” They”re little people. – No, but they really are elves. – Whatever, honey. – Which one”s your favourite reindeer? – Comet. Uh, l, l, I don”t have a favourite. So, let me get this straight, Santa. You mean, when I grow up, if I wanna be Santa Claus, all I gotta do is push you off a roof? All right, he said that. He said that it was the best Christmas he ever had. – Oh, big surprise. What do you think? – It”s just nice to hear it from him. – Is that a problem with you? – That”s my responsibility, isn”t it? – All right. So? May I speak, please? I am a doctor. No, he”s not. He”s a psychiatrist. Please. Go ahead, Dr Miller. I guess we know who”s the teacher”s pet. Scott! Oh, grow up. The reason we”re here is that this is far more serious… than a boy believing or not believing in Santa Claus. That”s right, because Charlie thinks that this whole thing actually happened. Scott, what was the last thing you and Charlie did… before you went to bed Christmas Eve? We shared a bowl of sugar: did some shots of brown liquor: played with my shotguns: field dressed a cat: Iooked for women. – I read him a book. – What book? Uh, Hollywood Wives. The Night Before Christmas, folks. Come on! And did you go to the North Pole? T-This is ridiculous. I don”t have time for this. Ridiculous or not, Scott, for Charlie, this isn”t some dream. It is real.
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You need to sit down with Charlie. Explain to him… you are not Santa Claus. They”re like the bears at the North Pole, Dad. Charlie, I already told ya. We did not go to the North Pole. – That was a dream. – You”re in denial, Dad. Denial. You don”t even know what that means. Well, you are. I know what happened. How do you know that? How? You don”t have any proof. – Proof? – Why can”t we both think of it as just a great dream and forget about it? What about this? Remember all the neat stuff inside? Charlie, this is a toy. We used to make things like this at work, but no one bought “em. Here. I don”t wanna talk about this any more. I know who you are, Dad. You”ll figure it out soon enough. There are a lot of kids that believe in you. You can”t let them down. Charlie, you”re wrong. – What”s so funny? – Nothing. He sees you when you”re sleeping He knows when you”re awake He knows if you”ve been bad or good Rollin” Keep those reindeer rollin” Okay, you better watch out You better not cry -You better not pout I”m tellin” you why -Come on, Dancer. Come on, Prancer. – Santa Claus is coming – Whoa! We can”t stop. – To town – But I have to go to the bathroom. I told you, you should”ve gone before we left the North Pole. And rummy tum-tums Whoa! Right here. Turn over here. Curly-haired dolls that toddle and coo Elephant spokes and kiddie cars too – Where is he? – Well, he could be in his room, jumping up and down on his bed wearing a red hat and galoshes. I don”t care what Neal”s doing. Where”s Charlie? Oh, ho, ho. Oh, I see, I see. Well, if you can”t be father of the year, why not be Father Christmas, huh? Charlie, it”s just not logical. How can one man in one night… visit all the children of the world? Not everyone celebrates Christmas. And I think there”s some sort of time continuum that breaks down once Santa”s in his sleigh. What about fireplaces? A lot of people don”t have them. How does Santa visit those people? He turns into Jell-O and– The fireplace kind of appears, and he goes through it like this. What about the reindeer? – Have you ever seen a reindeer fly? – Yes. – Well, I haven”t. – Have you ever seen a million dollars? No! Just because you haven”t seen it doesn”t mean it doesn”t exist. Hey, Neal. Howdy, sport. – Hi, Dad. – You wanna take a walk? I wanna talk to you. – Sure. I”ll get my coat. – Okay. Hustle up. Scott? Can I have a minute? Sure. I think Charlie is conflicted at the moment. Wow. Really? Boy. Hmm. Appreciate your analysis. I really do. But, boy, you got more important things to worry about, you know. Like, where are you gonna get more sweaters after the circus pulls outta town? Scott! I mean, you”re not listening. We are very concerned about this. Concerned about what? This– If Charlie spending time with you is the best thing for him. You were right about the sweater, okay? Do you think by next year I”ll be big enough to drive the sleigh all by myself? – No! – But I”ve been practising. No, that”s not what I”m talkin” about. Charlie, hold on a second. We”ve got to talk about this Santa Claus thing. Charlie, there– there is no– No what, Dad? There”s no reason why we have to tell anybody about the North Pole. – Why not? – Well, sometimes some things, big things, should remain un– unsaid, like between two people– – Oh, you mean like a secret. – Yes. Like a secret. Let”s keep it a secret. How come? Because of Mom and Neal. Not just because of them. There”s school. Everybody thinks– Well, it”s not important what they think. It– How does five bucks sound to ya? This is something I really want you to do for me, sport. I want to keep this secret. Will ya do that, please? – Okay, Dad. – All right. Great. You don”t have to worry about the Santa Claus thing any more. So when do I get the five bucks? … in the morning. It”s gonna be a beautiful day. Spend the day with me, Larry B. Huh? Something”s wrong with the mirror. What? Something”s wrong with the scale. Excuse me. Excuse me. Uh– Hmm. I”ll have a field green salad and– Oh, my God. – What the– – What? Scott? Calvin? Sorry, um, the dry cleaner in my neighbourhood went up in smoke. Some big chemical fire. All my clothes, poof, gone. God. Your– Your weight. What happened? Bee sting. Evidently I”m allergic. Almost killed me. But the guy at the emergency room says… the swelling will go down. I hope. So, did I miss anything? No, we were, uh, just about to order lunch. Great! I”m starving. I”ll have a salad and iced tea and dressing on the side. Uh, pasta and tomatoes, uh, and very light on the oil. Can you do that? And I”ll have a Caesar. No dressing. And one of those home-made cookies, the warm chocolate chip. No nuts. And, uh, a little slice of cheesecake. Uh, creme brulee… and, um, hot fudge sundae, extra hot fudge. On the side. – Anything to drink? – Ice-cold milk. – Stung by a bee, Scott? – A big bee. Finished? Okay, now, remember. This is just a storyboard. But here is our preliminary… Total Tank TV spot. Okay, now, we”ve got Santa. He”s up in the North Pole. He”s gettin” ready for… Christmas! – Oh, no. – Problem? It”s just a little thing. The elves. – What about the elves? – They look so funny. They”re supposed to look funny. They”re elves. Just my opinion. Can”t they look a little younger… with silver specks on their cheeks? – Can we continue here? – Okay. Now, this year Santa”s not goin” out in a sleigh. This time he”s goin” Total Tank. Wait a minute! No way! No way Santa”s goin” anywhere without his sleigh. He would if he”s tryin” to sell the Total Tank. Well, isn”t that a pretty picture. Santa”s rollin” down the block in a panzer. Well, kids, l– I certainly hope you”ve been good this year. “Cause it looks like Santa just took out the Pearson home. – Incoming! – Oh, please. And another thing. What about the reindeer? Reindeer and Santa. Santa and reindeer. I-lt”s kind of a package deal. – Calvin. – You don”t believe in Santa, do ya? Calvin, can we get back to the presentation? I”m not done yet. Since we”ve opened this box, have any of you tried to build the Total Tank? It”s got parts, and even if you do get it together, it breaks ten minutes later. – Then you gotta spend more money just to buy new parts. – I thought that was the whole point. No, no, no, no. What we gotta do is develop a, a basic, simple, inexpensive toy… that will nurture a child”s creative thinking. – Calvin– – Here, try the brown ones. Can I see you outside a minute? I don”t know what”s happening to you. You”re starting to look like the Pillsbury dough boy. – Y-You”re falling apart. – I know! I know. -I don”t know what came over me. -W-Well, just get some help. You know, y-you should s-see a doctor, a shrink, a dietician, anything. Just get some help. Okay, Scott. Time is up. – Let”s get over here and check your pulse. – All right. Okay, hmm? Huh? Well, nuts. I– Oh, no, uh, your pulse is great. I– Well, l-l don”t know, Scott. Y-You”re as healthy as a horse. Yeah, Clydesdale. Okay, look. So, what? You put on a little weight. A little weight? Does this look like a little weight to you? Well, weight can fluctuate from year to year. Fluctuate? You make it sound like I”m retainin” water. I”ve gained pounds in a week. Pete, what”s happenin” to me? – Well, what”s your diet like? – Milk and cookies. – Really? – But I don”t finish all the milk. Well, then, there is your problem. Just try to cut back on the sweets, okay? – Anything else? – Yeah. How fast does hair grow? Facial hair? -What? -I shave in the morning and in the afternoon I look like this. Well, it could be a hormonal imbalance. – That would explain the mood swings. – Mood swings? – Yeah, well, look at my hair. It”s turnin” grey. – Oh, it”s middle age, buddy. It happens. And with that body, you should be thankful you have hair. Look, i-if it bothers you, you can dye it, and you should diet! Ah, just kidding. Okay, up with the shirt. Let”s take a listen to the old ticker. Whoa. Okay. Ooh, it”s cold. Over here, Steve! I”m open! What? I want some ballet slippers. – Hi, Mom. – Oh, my God. Oh, my God. – Hold on now. – Wait a minute. Wait, I”m not done. Fax me. Hi. Hey, this probably looks pretty odd, doesn”t it? – These kids lined up all by themselves. – Scott, I think it”s safe to say you”re taking this Santa thing to an unhealthy level. Here”s my card. Call me. Scott, l– I really have to tell you that this is beginning to scare me. I never in my wildest– Well, no, okay, maybe my wildest– But certainly never in my normal dreams would l– – But then this is Scott we”re talking about and l– – Laura, the point. It”s just I never thought you would stoop to changing your physical appearance… in order to make Charlie like you. – Do you have any concept of how dangerous this is to a little boy? – Whoa. – Whoa, whoa. “How dangerous”? – Mom, what”s the matter? – Come on, Charlie, we”re going home. – But we just started. Well, a– You let him stay. I”ll go. If you don”t get your act together, Scott, so help me– – Watch it, folks. – I will just– Oh! – Mom! – Come on. Move it, lady! Kick it! – Hi there. – Hi. I got a delivery for S.C. – You S.C.? – Scott Calvin, that”s me. Sign here, please. -All right. -Thanks. I”ll get your packages. – Packages? – Yeah, there”s quite a few of them. Great. I”ll leave the door open. Just leave them inside here. Will do. It”s the list. “Armand Assante”? Yo! Hold it! Hold– Oh! Hold it! – You! You! Take that! Come on! Come on! – Stay away from the truck. What am I supposed to do with all these packages, guys? Come on. Aah. You know, I knew it. I knew that– that something was going on. I just– I– What I can”t believe is that he would go behind our backs all this time, confusing Charlie again just– I– I– What are we– What are we supposed to do? Well, there”s one obvious alternative. Okay. Aah. – Annie, nice. – Beep! – Johnny, naughty. – Johnny, wait up. Gary, nice. Veronica, very nice. In your dreams, sleigh boy. Huh? I”m in big trouble. Mm-hmm. Thank you. Judge Wayland”s office. Charlie, do you mind if I talk to you for a minute? It”s okay, honey. Come on. We won”t be long. Are we doing the right thing, Neal? -Something needs to shake Scott. -Yeah, but– But to– to take away his visitation rights. Honey, the man is delusional. Okay, okay, so maybe I”m having second thoughts, kind of. I just– I mean, what was so bad about Charlie believing in Santa? Well, he”s a little old. Oh, come on, Laura. Don”t you remember when you stopped believing in Santa Claus? I was Charlie”s age, I guess, l– I wrote Santa a letter every week that year. Well, you know, okay, you know, maybe– Maybe not every week, but– Boy, I really wanted a “Mystery Date” game. Do you remember those? No. Of course you don”t. You know, no one does. I– I don”t even think they make them any more, but– Well, anyway– Christmas morning came and– Oh, I got dozens of presents. Oh, I got everything. Except “Mystery Date.” I was three, and it was an Oscar Meyer wienie whistle. Christmas came. No wienie whistle. And that”s when I stopped believing. You were three? Yeah. Oh, Neal. -Where”s Charlie? I want to talk to him. -He”s with the judge. Dad! It”s all okay. I told the judge everything… about you and the North Pole. After reviewing all of your testimonies, I”ve come to a very difficult decision. I”m sorry to do this in light of the holiday season, but in the best interest of the child, I”m granting the petition of Dr and Mrs Miller. Mr Calvin, as of today, all of your visitation rights are suspended… pending a hearing after the first of the year. – Hey, Neal. – Scott. – You”re not supposed to be here. – Don”t make me beat you up, Neal. Oh, would Santa really beat someone up? – I”m this close. – So you still believe you”re Santa? – I don”t know. – What do you mean you don”t know? Of course you are, Dad. How can you say that? -Think of all those kids. -The only kid I”m thinkin” about is you. Dad, I”m fine. You can”t let them down. – They all believe in you! – Charlie, listen. You listen! You think you know who he is. You don”t! Charlie. Honey, listen. You”re confused. I know exactly who he is. Charlie, he”s not Santa! He is too, Santa! We went to the North Pole together. I saw it. The elves are real old even though they look like me. Bernard called me sport, “cause he knew everything. Right, Dad? Remember! Thank you, Charlie. Thank you. I love you, Dad. Could you guys leave us alone for a minute? I mean, so I can say goodbye to him properly? You saw! You saw the ball come to life. You bet I did. -Well, Charlie, I guess l– I better go. -I”ll get my stuff. Well, wait, sport. Sport. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I think it”s a much better idea if you just stayed here with your mom. I wanna be with you, Dad. Boy, I love hearing you say that. You mean I can go? Boy, this bird is dry. Haven”t you people heard about basting? Bernard! – Hiya, sport. – Bernard, can I go? Please, can I go, Bernard? It”s okay with me. Charlie, if, uh– Charlie? Scott! Charlie! This is our perpetrator. Scott Calvin, years old. Believes himself to be Santa Claus. Ladies and gentlemen, this one”s not gonna be easy to find. Uh, won”t the bright red suit and beard give him away? Charlie”s got some great ideas on how to keep you safe. Santa, this is Quintin, head of research and development. – Quintin, good to meet ya. – Hello, Santa. Charlie and I have put our heads together, and I think we”ve got a few surprises for you. This is some of the best stuff that”s come out of the workshop since the ball. Fabulous. What happens if I fall off the roof? Is this the most current photo you have? Hold on. – Hello? – Mom. – Oh, Charlie. Oh, my God. Honey, how are you? Are you– Are– Where are you? Are you okay? I”m fine. We”re up at the North Pole. Charlie, are you sure you”re okay? I”m terrific! I”m helping the elves build a new sleigh. We”re trying for a vertical takeoff. Well, gotta go. The elves need me. – No, Charlie, wait. No, don”t hang up the phone, honey. – Don”t worry, Mom. Everything”s fine. – See you at Christmas. – Charlie, don”t– Ah. Fireplaces will no longer be a problem. It”s a new fabric. Completely flame retardant. – It”s light, yet durable. – And you can wear the jumpsuit under your coat and pants. But what do I do if I fall off a roof? We”ll cordon off a three-block radius around Dr Miller”s house. Now, Calvin is to be apprehended unharmed. And remember, he”ll probably be dressed like Santa Claus. Give it your best shot “Cause what you got is oh, so sweet – Freeze! – What the– I need a routine So gimme all your lovin” – It”s not even my suit. It”s a rental. – All your hugs and kisses too Gimme all your lovin” Don”t let up until we”re through “From Comet, To Santa.” Did you make the card? It”s a nice rope. Just in case I fall off the roof? Comet, this means a lot to me. Thanks, buddy. And if I blow my top Will you let it go to your head Gimme all your lovin” All your hugs and kisses too All right, let”s go! – You ready to go, sport? – You betcha, Dad. – Gimme all your lovin” – Now Dasher, now Dancer! Now Prancer and Vixen! – All your hugs and kisses too On Comet, on Cupid! On Donner and Blitzen! Bye-bye. Bye, Quintin. Bye, Peewee. Merry Christmas. Take your time. Turn to your right. Hello! No. – Charlie, stay in your seat. – I gotta show you this. Radar-jamming jingle bells, snow screen, DC- alert and air freshener. – Wow. – And most important of all, your hat. – My hat? – It”s lined with a two-way radio. Microphone”s in here. It connects you directly to Judy. – Wait a minute. What”s this? – Oh, that”s a C.D. – Compact disc. – No. Cookie/cocoa dispenser. The cocoa comes out nice and hot. – And… out pops the cookie. – Gimme all your lovin” – How could I have done this without you, Charlie? – You couldn”t. – You”re fatter this year. – Thank you very much. You”ve grown too. And you were a very good girl this year, but I want you to go back to sleep, okay? – I think the milk”s a little sour. – It”s soy milk. – Huh? – You said you were lactose intolerant. I did say that, didn”t l? Thanks for remembering. Go to sleep. – Merry Christmas, Sara. – Merry Christmas, Santa. Look, there”s Mom and Neal”s street! Can we go there next? – Sure. – I made something for them at the workshop. Freeze! Ah, ho, ho. You officers really gave me a start. Merry Christmas, guys. – Not for you, fat boy. – “Fat boy”? Guys. – Uh-uh-uh. Nice and easy now. – Oh! Guys, guys, I got a lot of work to do. This is a big mistake, really. You gotta watch the suit too. This is so old. It”s an antique, you know. – Where”s the boy? – He”s in the sleigh. We got Calvin. We”re bringing him out. Santa, are you okay? Over. Over. – Watch your head. – Santa, are you all right? – Santa? – It”ll be okay, kids. – Let him go! Let Santa go! Honey, I”m sure Charlie”s fine. We”ve got a problem. Santa was at the Miller”s, but he”s not responding. Well, time to deploy E.L.F.S. – Let”s go! – Go! Go, go, go, go! Move it! Look, I know you”re Scott Calvin. You know you”re Scott Calvin. So let”s make this simple. I say, name. You say, Scott Calvin. Name? Kriss Kringle. – Name? – Sinter Klas. – Name? – Pere Noel. Buono Natale. Pelz-Nicole. Topo Gigio. Okay, Calvin. Maybe a couple of hours in the tank will change your mind. – Charlie? – Yeah? Don”t worry. We”re the good guys. Come on. Let”s go save Santa. We can”t. The police are watching this place. Yeah, they probably are. But you see, we weren”t figuring on walking out the front door. We find that we can get around a lot faster if we fly. Now… grab hold of my hand. And hang on tight. – And Charlie? – Yeah? Don”t ever try this without elf supervision. Hmm? Ah! We”re looking for Santa Claus. Go home, kids. Visiting hours are over. We”re not kids, and we”re not visiting. – We”re here to bust out my dad. – You”re the Calvin boy. Who– Who are these other kids? We”re your worst nightmare. Elves with attitude. Shouldn”t have had that doughnut. Oh! Untie me! I mean it! Untie– – Charlie! – Are you okay, Dad? I am now. – How”d you do that? – Tinsel. Not just for decoration. Hmm. Hey, excuse me. Can I get some of that tinsel? Mom? Mom! Neal. I”m home! Charlie? – Charlie? – Charlie. – Oh, my God, Charlie. Sweetheart. Oh, God. Come here. Come here. Oh, my boy. Oh, my sweetheart. Oh! My boy, you”re home! Oh, I missed you so much. How are you? – I”m fine, Mom. – Are you okay? Look at me. – Oh, Charlie. I missed you, honey. – Mom, I”m fine. It”s okay. – We were so worried about you. Look at you. – Mom, put me down. Stop kissing me! I don”t have a lot of time. Did you leave the gifts I made under the tree? – You bet I did. – We better go. – No, Charlie. No, no, no. – No! No, wait, Charlie. It”s okay, Laura. Actually, l– I think it”s a much better idea… – that you stay here with your Mom and Neal. – Really? – But, Dad– – No buts, Charlie. I can”t be selfish. I can”t be with you all the time. We”re a family. You, me, your mom… and Neal. And they need to be with you too. I miss you too much. Come here a minute. Ah, listen to me. Come on, listen. There”s– There”s a lot of kids out there. Okay? Millions of kids. And they”re– They all– They all believe in me. They”re countin” on me, Charlie. And l– I”m not gonna let them down. I got a lot of work to do. So I can”t be selfish either. You gave me a wonderful gift, Charlie. Listen, a wonderful gift. You believed in me when nobody else did. You helped make me Santa. Selfish? Come on. You”re the least– the least selfish person I know. I love you, Santa Claus. I love you, son. Shh. It”s okay. Okay. It”s okay. Shh. Laura, what do you think? Christmas Eve you guys spend with Charlie? Oh, my God. It”s you. It really is you. You really are… Santa Claus. Pretty cool, huh? Oh, my God. And your parents thought I”d never amount to anything. Oh, wait. Don”t go yet. I have something for you. I– It”s Santa! – Scott. – Neal. – Santa? – It”s okay, Neal. Here. It”s, um– Well, it”s– It”s my Christmas present for you. It”s the, um– It”s the custody papers. And I want you to come and see Charlie as often as you can. You can count on it. Thanks, Laura. Merry Christmas. What”s all this boo-hooing goin” on here? Hey, how ya doin”? It”s nothin”, Bernard. I”m just saying goodbye to Charlie. What goodbye? Charlie, you still got the glass ball, right? – Yeah. – Well, all you gotta do… is shake it whenever you want to see your dad. – Really? – He can come back to see you… anytime day or night. Hey, have I ever steered ya wrong? Nice sweater. Hey, did we make this? Laura. He”s sucking us into his delusions. Look at the elaborate measures he”s taken. Neal, relax. I”ll explain it to you later. Where”d he go? Go, go, go, go! Team one, heads up! – Okay, stand back, folks. Give us some room. – I”m scared, Dad. – Here you go, sir. – Thanks. Return to your homes! – Stay off the street. Come on, folks. Let us do our job here. – Oh, my gosh. Um– Excuse me. Excuse me. Hi. Um, you know, you don”t have to send anybody– Oh, my gosh, wait! – Hey! – He”s my ex-husband, and he”s already up the chimney. Chief, look up there. Oh, Santa! Santa Claus. Look! What is it? Oh, wow! Up there! Do you see it? Hey, do you see it? – Goodbye, Charlie. – Bye, Dad. Merry Christmas to all! And to all a good night! – I”m sorry, Charlie. – That”s okay, Neal. You were just denying your inner child. You”re gonna make a great psychiatrist one day, kid. No, I think I”m going to go into the family business. Look out below! My wienie whistle. Bye, Santa Claus. Bye. – Merry Christmas. – See you next year. Charlie? Time to come inside. Mom, this stupid ball”s not working. Shoot. – Hey, sport. – Dad! You miss me already? I”ve been gone, what? Ten minutes. Gimme a break. I was on my way to Cleveland. Come here and give me a hug. Oh! – Do you wanna go for a quick ride? – Yeah! -Uh– -Of course, it”s up to your mom. Please, Mom. Go on. Get outta here. All right. Hold on. – On our way. – Bye, Mom. Just– Just a quick one. And, uh, not over any oceans, Scott. – Bye, Mom! – Scott. – Bye. – Scott! Santa! Special help by SergeiK